Property is FREE this Weekend

This is one of my favourites, and I said I’d never give this fucker away, but I’m just too nice. ‘Lovely Jack’ I’ve heard is what they’ve started to call me around certain parts of the Worldwide Web.


Let’s get that trending, guys.

Joviality aside, this one I wrote when furious and very, very depressed. It’s one of the bleakest things I’ve ever written. People seem to like it less than Dot Matrix. I guess Dot Matrix has more humour. It’s faster. And Dot Matrix isn’t written in Second Person Present Tense. So there’s that, too.

If you’ve ever worked in London (or even been there for over a day or two), you’ll know what it’s like to be stuck on a sweltering Tube train. And when the one in front breaks down, you have to sit there, in a dark tunnel, waiting for TFL to green-light your journey again. I was once stuck on a train between Warren Street and Euston (Viccy Line, for the uninitiated) for an hour. People were passing out. I was sweating so bad, it looked like I was trying to enter a wet t-shirt competition. Through the automated speaker system the prim-but-lovely voice kept repeating:

‘In this hot weather, it is advisable to carry a bottle of water with you at all times.’

Well it’s no good telling us that nowย is it …?

Some dark things run through your mind when you’re stuck down there โ€“ especially if it’s due to a jumper on the tracks ahead (a person, I mean, not a sweater).

Was it quick?

Do I know them?

Were they attractive?

Were they wasted?

Inconsiderate fucker.

I hope that never happens to me.

So yes, download Property. Give it a read. It’s free and it won’t take up much of your time.

If you fancied leaving a review, that’d be most lovely.

Hell, you might even like it.

(See Bibliography for links in your country’s Amazon store.)


  1. How kind of you… I shall act the fucker and get that free book… thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Yes, I have been to London for a work meeting for 2 days… I swear I’ve never been happier to leave a place before! ๐Ÿ˜€ I don’t know how city folk do it… I’d go batshit living there ๐Ÿ˜€


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