Genius Bar

Disaster struck when the Backspace key started sticking on my new MacBook. Like the idiot man I am, I decided DIY would be the best solution. It was well under warranty, but who needs a trip to the Apple Store when you have a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass? I pulled the key off, guided by a YouTube instructional video, narrated by a man called Juan. It broke. Good job I had no designs on becoming a heart surgeon.


A week later, I fought my way through Stratford Westfield for an 11.15am Genius Bar appointment. I pulled my laptop out of my bag, complete with broken Backspace key jammed into its hole and said, “I dunno what happened. One minute it was working fine, the next…y’know?”


The guy, who reminded me of a fat version of my friend Skinny Tom, seemed to believe me. He took it into a room in the bowels of the store, where I could imagine the a hundred geeks fixing a thousand broken machines underneath a huge picture of Steve Jobs . I sat at the Genius Bar (shit bar – no booze), flicking through the emails on my work BlackBerry. I thought brandishing a BlackBerry might be some sort of faux pas in the Apple Store, but nobody seemed to give a fuck.


One of my subordinates emailed me and told me he wanted to move to another department. He said, ‘It’s nothing to do with my job, I just want more money.’ I thought at that moment that maybe I should stop referring to them as “subordinates”, although I couldn’t quite think of a suitable replacement for the word.


The guy came back and said he’d repair my laptop, gratis. I felt like I’d pulled off a daring heist. Like Clooney in Oceans 11.


Ten days later, my laptop is back and working just fine. They replaced the entire keyboard in the end. I thought about getting myself an Apple Watch upon my return to the store. A way of rebalancing the universe. But even though I know they’re completely useless, I still want one. The power of good marketing. They only reason I have yet to buy an Apple Watch is because whenever I am confronted with a sartorial quandary, I say to myself WWHD?


What would Hannibal do?


Hannibal Lector, of course, not the Carthaginian military chap. And I’m talking purely Lector from the TV show. What a sharply turned-out motherfucker. He’s broad, though. And tall. He fills out a Tom Ford suit nicely. On me they look like I’m wearing very expensive tent. I tend to favour the thinner brands. The Swedish ones. You’ve got to know your strengths, right? But that doesn’t mean I can’t take inspiration from his accessories.


Have you seen those fucking ties?


Someone’s even done a Tumblr on it:


Anyway, would Mads Mikkelsen’s Hannibal wear an Apple Watch? Of course he wouldn’t.


But my laptop’s fixed, so I’m back.


Hello again.



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