Well, I guess this ‘Internet’ thing is here to stay…

Computers. The Internet. Other people.

My life would be far calmer without them.

So I’m writing this novel and it’s going pretty well, but it’s 2015 and I need an ‘online presence’.

Branding. Marketing. Networking. A mantra for dead-eyed, overpaid consultants who insinuate that without these things you’re living in the Stone Age.

‘Join us or die’, they hiss from their Ikea-strewn workspaces above the no-man’s-land where Shoredtich becomes The City.

But maybe the plaid-shirted, Hi-Topped cultural vampires have a point this time. And I won’t lie, I would quite like people to read my novel. Even a person. Singular.

That’s why I set up all these bastard accounts…

I’m okay at Twitter, although if my phone had a breathalyser app, I might have retained a few more followers. I get drunk and I swear and then maybe I’ll write something about how I think Game Of Thrones is boring and then the Internet will come crashing down on top of me and I will be forever struck out into the Wastelands with the rest of the unbelievers and their two-digit follower counts. The next morning, of course, I delete the tweet in the half-light of hangover shame, but by then the damage is done.

I think I’d be a hell of a lot better at Instagram if I looked good in a bikini. There are only so many photographs of books one can post.

Facebook. Well it’s just for stalking, isn’t it? I don’t want to be friends with that borderline racist asshole from school who still, at 35 years old, hasn’t got the hang of ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but I damn well know that moment I defriend the fucker, I’ll bump into him on the street and it will be awkward. And the one thing an Englishman fears most in the world is awkwardness.

Pinterest. I kind of like the idea. It’s for referencing things. Am I right? Please tell me I’m right. Building collections for future inspiration. I can get into that. Useful. I add pictures to it. Will I ever look at those pictures? Probably not.

I don’t even know what Google+ is.

As the sun hung sweetly in a cloudless London sky, I spent the weekend hunched over my Mac, curtains closed.

Social Media was one thing, but then I decided my blog needed a revamp. After six hours in virtual labour, I gave birth to the new child you see before you. Treat her kindly.

And now I can write. No other distractions. The blog looks respectable, the cogs of Social Media are grinding away. I am complete.

After that, I was left with no more excuses…

So I printed out my First Draft.

Here it is.

IMG_4371

The rest of the week will be spent gathering coffee stains on my shirts, red pen marks on my hands and swearing quietly under my breath.

26 comments

  1. Welcome to the social media frenzy. I was going to send you a book about how to navigate the morass but can’t find it on Amazon. Or the author’s site. So, I beg pardon. There are a lot of sites with great advice that doesn’t require exhaustive measures. Good luck to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Social media tip- Instagram is awesome for snarky memes, quotes, things that express your personality. Hashtag the shit out of it. Twitter is awesome for simply conveying the process as you’re writing, take stupid photographs, hook it to your Instagram, boom. People want to know your personality. Being an accessible writer makes your words feel as though a good friend wrote them. Curse, for Christ’s sake. Facebook, create a page for your book, link your Instagram, Twitter, and blog, booyah, you just have to write a status update once a day. Google +, link your blog, upload some photos, let it be an access point for people to be introduced to the fact you’re a writer. It virtually takes care of itself, you just have to note clever memes and do a lot of “save photo” ing and uploading.

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      1. Remember, though, it’s not about you, it’s about the 30 second sound byte millenials. Successful marketing turns you into a pop culture whore and lures in the masses 😉 #howtobuildacult101. Build your audience, then go all Warhol if you must.

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  3. You’re too funny and too true about the social media. That’s the reason I started blogging too–to build an audience for the book or rather novellete I finished writing. I had then opened a Twitter account in which I started with 14 followers and the number has dwindled to 6 I think. I don’t even go there. I just don’t have the time or know what the hell to tweet about without looking like a real twit!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Jack,
    I loved reading this post. First, I have an upcoming post on branding, and I planning on quoting part of this and linking back to your site.
    Next, you are a funny writer. I look forward to reading more from you.
    Thank you so much for following my blog. Where did you find me? I always wonder. I would have been over to welcome you sooner, but I am still out of the country on vacation. I will return and post more late next week. Thanks again for the follow and this humorous post. Nice meeting you.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Janice! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it. I’m always on the lookout for interesting blogs to read, so I imagine it was during one of those searches I came across yours. Have a lovely vacation!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. hi Jack, love your blog. Ironically, my old Facebook account from 5 years ago was hacked into at 3 am and I got this notification that I activated it again. I was horrified! I deleted it in like 10 split seconds. I’m on twitter, I’m addicted to it…and I joined IG 3 months ago to post some poetry and the problem is that when you write, that’s the prime addiction and words so it gets crazy and I need to take a break. Luckily my phone smashed and now I’m off a laptop only.
    Great to meet you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Chrissy. Old school with the laptop – like it! Kind of envious of your smashed phone, to be honest. Might smash mine tonight…I’ll keep you posted! Very much enjoy your poetry.

      Liked by 1 person

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